Hi everyone,
Welcome to 365 Days of Poetry & Honesty <3 I hope you're well! I had to take last Sunday off because I got chicken pox, and although I’m a lot better now, and healing quicker than I thought, my self-esteem, which was already quite low, is a bit shattered & I can't shake this feeling of despair. So I’ve decided that this will be my last newsletter for at most a couple of months.
When I started this newsletter I made a promise to myself to write daily, to dedicate myself to poetry as practice, and I’ve kept that promise, even when I had to step away last year because my life was falling apart. But I also have to acknowledge that sometimes it's like I’m writing into a void and I ask myself over & over does anyone really want me or want this? And I don't want an answer, I don't want to need an answer, what I want to is to want myself.
I also have to acknowledge that my vulnerability, my willingness to share myself in this way, it's coming from a place of loneliness. All I ever want is to be seen, and in turn understood, so I put my heart and soul into the poetry. And I’m learning that for some people it's not that deep, but for me I know I wouldn't be here without poetry, that's why it's so important to me and it's important to me that you understand that. Especially because recently, I’m having to process moments where the value of my work has been disparaged & disrespected, and because it's all so entwined with my value at the centre, it's broken me a little. Especially because I feel like I don't exist, like I'm not enough if I'm not sharing poems because I literally have nothing else and no-one to lean on. But the thing is I do exist and I am enough and I need to focus on believing that, on prioritising my solitude and rest. And during that time I also want to focus on making something tangible, something beautiful, something to honour what I’ve accomplished so far with my newsletter, because I don't think I give myself enough credit for all that I’ve amassed throughout my journey so far with writing.
So this is like a 'see you later’, not a goodbye; I have a habit of disappearing and I don't want to do that this time. I would also like to thank you, especially those of you who have been with me from the start when I was 9oshun9 on instagram and I first announced the beginning of ‘365 Days of Poetry & Honesty’. Thank you reading my poems, for subscribing, thank you!
Anyways enough with all the paragraphs, here are the songs that have brought me some peace this past week
One
The last stanza of a much longer poem I’ve been working on, but today it was calling my name. The line ‘…carrying the madness of hope like freedom or an affliction…’ it follows me. And right now it feels like an affliction, but my perception of the world is currently coloured by depression and the stark reality of my immigration status but I won't let that stop me from dreaming. At the moment it's the vision of me by the sea building a sandcastle.
Two
A love poem // an ache to be loved
Three
I have a habit of abandoning myself to cater to other people’s needs, and it's kind of self-destructive. I think these past couple of weeks I’ve had to look in the mirror and face up to the fact that I’m not okay.
…
be tender
with my spirit
Four
Wrote this poem reflecting on the history of female hysteria.
Five
You have to let yourself be known/seen in order to be loved. I’d rather anxiously avoid it all but I’m starting to understand that’s not good because no-one is an island and we're all worthy of love, of loving & being loved. So if you know me in person, I’m sorry for being so detached with intimacy, please be patient with me.
Six
As if your heart wants to explode/ leap right out of your chest. It's a terrifying feeling, though a little funny now because I was genuinely convinced I was going to die, but thankfully I know how to self-soothe.
Seven
Ending with a sad one & a trigger warning for suicidal ideation. Though it's mostly confronting a past version of me, and it's feels good to say I have more emotional resilience.
Thank you for reading this week’s newsletter.
With love,
Phoenix