Hi everyone,
Welcome to 365 Days of Poetry & Honesty. I hope you're having a peaceful Sunday!
I’ve been thinking a lot about the newsletter, about why it's here, because I worry a lot about putting out the sad poems. I don't like that all I can give is something negative and it's hard when i'll get to Sunday and suddenly it's like all the poems are sad and I’m putting pressure on myself to try and fix it. & I think at the heart of it, it’s that I’ve put my sadness in a box and labelled it as something negative when at the end of the day emotions/feelings aren't something I or anybody should subject to that kind of negative/positive, bad/good binary. They’re feelings, my emotions, it's my reality and it's a waste of energy to feel bad about something I can't do anything about, and that's not to say I’ve tried, or that I’m not trying at present. And I think I feel a lot of guilt about my mental health because sometimes it's like I can't be a person or that there's so much going in my head that I can't be present, and it's why I love being in the woods so much. Like I really value the silence of just existing and the leaves are rustling because there's squirrels running around or the birds are singing, and it's like hey the world around me is so beautiful there's no time to wallow. And I wish I could feel like that all the time, but one thing I really hold onto is the balance of things because then I have to make space for the things I perceive as bad & good, even though they're not - and it's important i stress that because I know for me, when I get in to that kind of black & white thinking, it puts me on the path to feeling like a burden and I’m not, and if you can relate I want you to know that you're not a burden either. And I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I also want to say that being in the woods, sometimes it's scary knowing that I’m alone, but overcoming that fear, it reminded me that I have the same right to exist just like everyone else, and I think that's really helping me with figuring out my place in the world. So yeah all of this just to say hello, because I think that guilt about the sad poems held me back from writing my introductions and engaging with you as my readers, and I'm sorry for that! So yeah, hello, I'm Phoenix and I hope you like the poems this week <3
First of all, my favourite songs this week :)
Monday
I think this is the best thing I’ve ever painted, I’m really proud of it! It's inspired by a painting by František Kudláč.
Tuesday
like a love poem but not a love poem more like a question or an appeal i’m not sure but the first stanza keeps following me around
Wednesday
this poem makes me cry, i keep thinking about where i am and what i have to give the world in actuality, like something tangible, and i don't have that. And i know i need to get over graduating but i don't know, i just wish i was in a better place.
Thursday
i was thinking about a particular name lol but i’m gonna keep it to myself :)
Friday
Friday was a beautiful day. I performed a few of my poems, and I’ve shared the one I wrote especially for the event as Sunday’s poem! But I was thinking about it feels like no matter how good something feels, I always end up full of self-doubt & in tears, and I hope it's mostly just the reality of living with chronic depression, but sometimes I worry that I’ll never know something good that lasts or I won't be able to appreciate something for what it is because my brain won't let me but anyways yeah so I wrote a poem about that
Here’s a second poem, softer. I saw the images online and I really want the physical book because it's all so beautiful.
Saturday
Not sure about April
Sunday
Here's the poem I performed! & I also wanted to share Alice Notley’s poem ‘World’s Bliss’. I read it the first time and I was blown away so i’ve been coming back to it daily! There's something so haunting about the last two lines, it inspired the first stanza of Saturday’s poem.
Thank you for reading this week’s newsletter. I’d love to know if any of the poem’s spoke to you :)
With love,
Phoenix
p.s. here's another song ❤️