Hi everyone,
Welcome to 365 Days of Poetry & Honesty. I hope you’ve had a good week <3
Today, I've been thinking about an exercise I did where I wrote down all my "good" qualities, and then I had to look for moments in my life in opposition to those qualities. And I don't think I'm doing the explanation any justice, but essentially, it kind of showed me and help me come to peace with the fact that, whilst there'll be days where I embody the best of me, and maybe I'll be brave, diligent, trusting & warm-hearted, and then there'll be days where I'm tired and everything costs more and as much as I love the world, I need to hide. But those days don't take away from the best of me, and wherever I am, the dark feeling will pass. It's about accepting all parts of yourself & remembering to give yourself grace when it comes to the parts you might not like, when it comes to mistakes. I'm terrified of messing up but I think that stops you living and I think in order for me to move through the world with ease, I need to work on my relationship to shame & guilt, isolate the part that isn't my voice and throw it away.
Here are my songs of the week!
Monday
I think with the poems, it's a given I feel things intensely. And sometimes that good, but other-times, especially when I can't see outside of the moment, I’d do anything not to feel. And I’m afraid to trust the good things because of what it’ll feel like if it does fall apart, and there's a part of me, that would rather not have to deal because at some point enough is enough ya know? Like I can't shake the feeling that hope is inherently cruel but I also don't want to believe that that's the world I live in.
Tuesday
I wrote this after hosting the poetry night at Reference Point — which is happening again on Tuesday 3rd May if you’d like to come ❤️ — & it's reflective of how being there filled me with so much joy. It was heartening, listening to others share their poetry, poems that moved them, just being able to witness and partake, it was a blessing and a reminder of why I write. I felt less lonely.
Wednesday
This poem is so sensual, I love it! & I love love love persimmons. The colour, that first bite, I love! It's been a while since I’ve had one but they’re my favourite fruit.
Thursday
I witnessed this beautiful moment during a performance, it was completely spontaneous, and yet so seamless, like locking eyes and letting yourself be guided by the spirit/energy in the room, and I was reflecting on it afterwards, and a friend told me about this concept in art called ‘duende’ and it stayed with me so I wrote a poem about it!
Friday
The start of this poem, the first three lines in capital letters, are by a friend - Sun Min Kim. I was using the typewriter at Reference Point and he wrote it spontaneously, and I liked it so I felt like continuing the poem!
Can't escape the imagery of a house on fire at the moment, it's at the forefront of my mind and I just feel quite lost to be honest.
Saturday
When I say ‘i love you’, I’m talking to the poetry, my poetry. The title is kind of a reference to the ebook I put out last year & subsequently deleted because truthfully, the whole thing felt like a lie and I wasn't okay at all, & barely surviving. And then I got ill and it felt like proof, so I couldn't do it anymore. That being said, I think I’m in stronger place mentally than I was last year, and I think I’ve found my voice. Plus at the end of day, I don't see it ever not being painful, not unless I can divorce myself from the poems, and I would never; it would work against my creativity.
Sunday
The first poem, by Nicole Callihan, the first five lines, evocative! beautiful. And the second, by Jonathan Wells, a poem I want to hold on to.
Thank you for reading this week’s newsletter. Let me know your thoughts on the poems ❤️
With love,
Phoenix